T.K.O.: Total Knock Out Read online

  When I try to pull away, it hurts because he’s holding on so tightly. Holding on tightly to me. “James, you can’t make this decision for me. I have to do this for myself.”

  He releases my wrist and suddenly stands. “Then I’m driving down there and I’m talking to him. Or better yet, I’m reporting this down at the station.”

  What the holy hell. He’s lost his mind. He can’t report him; Dad’s a cop, for crying out loud. “No! They won’t believe you, you can’t.”

  He grabs his keys off his dresser and begins stalking toward the front door with me trailing behind him. “Yes, they will Raegan. Trust me. We should have done this the first time. I’m going down there and you’re coming too.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, James, so just stop!”

  The sound of desperation in my voice makes him turn to look at me. He is no longer crying but his eyes are glassy and bloodshot. If he wasn’t being so damned stubborn right now, I’d hold him and kiss those tears away.

  “Get in the truck, Raegan.” He isn’t asking anymore. Deep down, I know there will be consequences that I don’t want to face.

  He turns quickly as he walks toward the door. His phone lands with a thud on the ground and the screen lights up. I bend down to grab it, eyeing the name on the display.

  “What is her name in your phone for?”

  “Nothing, it’s nothing. Don’t change the subject, Raegan.”

  “I’m not. What does it say?” Before he can reply, the phone is in my hand and the message opens. I wish I had never looked.

  She’d thanked him for last night. What the hell happened last night?

  “It’s not what you think, Raegan.”

  “James, I’m not stupid. How long were you going to keep this from me?”

  “You need me, Raegan. You need me, so cut it out and we can talk about this later. It was a mistake and won’t happen again.”

  “Then why the hell are these messages dating back to two fucking weeks ago? Answer that! Wait, don’t. I’m done.” I’m shocked by the words that have slipped so easily from my lips, and so is he.

  “You’re going to leave me over this, Raegan?” His voice trembles. “I just signed a lease for our apartment, you can’t be serious.”

  He’s made a huge mistake, and I can’t have that. Even so, the look on his face says he isn’t going to let this stuff with Dad go. I can’t believe this is happening. We’ve never even really fought before, and I’m sick to my stomach trying to figure out what’s going on. Between the shit with Dad, and the messages from Adryian, I’m lost.

  “I don’t want to, James, but I…I just can’t do this.”

  He throws his hands up in frustration. “You’re just going to throw us away, Raegan? You’re going to throw away all we have because you’re too big of a coward to turn that piece of shit in?”

  Between sobs I manage to choke out, “Are you kidding me? You’re still stuck on my dad? This has nothing to do with him anymore. This is about your little affair or whatever the hell you want to call it. I’ve got to go. I hope you know I loved you more than anything in this world, Jamesall, but you ruined it. I’m so sorry.”

  His arm moves, making me flinch, but all he does is reach over to his nightstand and open the drawer, pulling out a small black velvet box.

  “What’s this?” I ask foolishly, though I already know.

  He lets out a cruel, forced laugh before opening the box to reveal a one carat solitaire engagement ring. The band is white gold and it is absolutely beautiful. I can’t stop crying and now I’m not even sure of the reason. “It’s the ring I was going to give to you the first night in our apartment, Raegan. I was going to ask you to marry me, to be my wife. That’s how much I fucking love you,” he shouts.

  “You think I don’t love you?” I yell back. “I do, James. You know I do! If you loved me, you wouldn’t be forcing me to do something I’m telling you I don’t want to do, and you sure as hell wouldn’t be screwing around behind my back! This isn’t easy for me. So don’t you dare tell me I don’t love you!” My finger was in his face, my skin hot.

  He stares at me in disbelief before scoffing. “And if you loved me like you say you do, you’d let me help you.”

  “I’m done with this.” I wave my hands around as if I don’t know what to do with them. I’m done with the betrayal. Never did I think he would do that to me, but I was so very wrong.

  Everything he says makes this harder than it should be. I can’t believe he was going to propose. I was so close to marrying a cheater.

  “Please, Raegan, I’m begging you. I don’t want to lose you over this. I can change, I won’t see her anymore.”

  He reaches out for me and I pull away. I’ve loved James as long as I can remember. Yes, this is scary for me. I need him to be there for me, especially right now. I know he wants to save me, but there are some things I need to do on my own.

  “Look, James, I’m done. I don’t want to talk about this anymore or I may hurl. You broke my heart. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

  Before he can stop me, I slowly manage to make my way out the house, then force my broken body into my truck, and speed out of his driveway. Every movement is punctuated by torturous throbbing. I’m crying so hard I can barely see the road ahead of me. The pain in my side is piercing, I want to crawl in a corner and die. I pull into a parking lot, realizing he hasn’t tried to chase me or call me. I didn’t expect him to, but some things are worth fighting for. I would have fought for him.

  I glance at the picture of Mom. “Nothing’s all right,” I say aloud, my voice hoarse. “I don’t think it’ll ever be.”

  Chapter 2

  It’s been a month; James tried to call me for the first two weeks and I couldn’t bring myself to answer because I knew he was going to press the issue with my dad. It hurt like hell every time a phone call or text message came through. But I wouldn’t give in, and I didn’t. I cried myself to sleep many nights wondering what it might’ve been like to escape my own personal hell. I just can’t get what happened out of my head. I don’t need two men making my life hell; I can and I will do this on my own. The one happiness I thought I could always count on failed me, just like everything else in my life.

  Dad has his good days and his bad. He hasn’t kicked me to the ground again, he’s mainly just bruised my arm and the backside of his hand did meet my cheek one other time. Other than that, he is so involved in work that he isn’t home and I wasn’t complaining about that at all.

  Nancy is my dad’s ex-wife, the only person I talk to occasionally. She understands why I can’t just turn him in because Dad used to do the same thing to her. She still loved him but refused to stay in the situation. I don’t blame her, but at least she had a way out.

  I do feel like a coward. Christ, I can’t believe James called me a coward. I know he was upset but he didn’t have to call me that. Hearing those words hurt more than any physical pain ever could.

  Two weeks later, I spot James at the mall holding hands with Adryian Wilson, the damn prom queen from high school. We weren’t from the Raegan social circle so we weren’t friends. She’s pretty, with shoulder length brown hair and a petite figure. She is everything I wasn’t in high school, probably everything James should have chosen to be with. She’s with him now, so she got what she always wanted.

  I don’t let him see me; I duck into Express. It’s a cowardly move, proving him right I suppose. Before I leave, making sure he’s gone, I purchase a pair of skinny jeans and a really cute sequin tank top. Talk about a nice distraction. Dad wants to keep a credit card in my possession? I’ll gladly use it.

  I’m jealous, hurt James moved on so quickly. I shouldn’t be; the text messages made it obvious he would. It’s only been a month and two weeks and they seem as cozy as ever. Was I anything to him?

  When I get home that night, I cry and a whole tear soaked pillow later, I am ready to move on and let go. James had, and so could I.

  Da
d is in a rather decent mood, but as soon as he sees me, his smile fades into a scowl—my warning to hide.

  “Hey Dad, how was work?” I miss the good old days, the days I talked to him and we had good conversations.

  “Cut the shit, Raegan. Why have you been cooped up in your damn room? James smarten up and leave you?”

  I so badly want to scream at Dad that this is all his fault, but I can’t because I know it’ll trigger his violence.

  “I broke up with him, Dad.” Blinking away the tears, I give him a fake smile, and I immediately regret the sarcasm lacing my words.

  The back of his hand connects with my cheek and I draw in a deep breath as I run to my room and lock the door behind me. I can’t sit here and let this happen. Maybe I should have forgiven James. I could have let him take me away like he wanted to. But I couldn’t be that girl.

  I’ve never worked a day in my life but I think it’s about time I start. The math in my head makes sense; if I can get a decent paying job and save all my checks, I can get out of this once-happy home in a reasonable amount of time. Living here has become a complete nightmare.

  When I wake in the morning, I notice how quiet the house is and I’m excited to know he’s at work so he can’t hurt me right now. I really should start looking for a job so I can put my plan into motion.

  When I should be slipping into a nice pair of slacks and a button-up shirt for a job search, instead I throw on a dark gray t-shirt and a pair of pink exercise shorts. After I lace up my tennis shoes and throw my hair into a ponytail, I’m good to go. With my keys in my hand, I head out the door to the freedom that awaits me. Once I start my truck, I throw that damn Mumford and Sons CD on the floor because right now all those songs do is make me think of James. I catch myself laughing when the radio comes on and the first song I hear is “Back When” by Tim McGraw. Shit, if he only knew how much I miss back when, but it’s over and I keep telling myself it’s time to move on.

  The first place I go is to my kickboxing class. Everything about it is liberating. I work myself up into a thick sweat, panting as I try to catch my breath before I decide to call it quits for the day. I’m feeling a little better about things but it’s not enough to make it completely better again. I don’t think there’s anything that could completely fix it. I find myself letting out a heavy breath as I climb back into my truck.

  I’m not quite sure where I’m going once I start driving. I get back on the interstate and drive until the highway splits and I head toward downtown. I hate the downtown traffic. No one uses blinkers and no one cares. I’ve witnessed this a few times and Dad used to tell me stories about accidents he saw. Lucky for me, not that many people are out and traffic seems to be flowing smoothly. I take an exit that shows hope of a Starbucks, and soon I’m holding a wonderfully delicious Grande java chip frappucino.

  An old, tacky sign with letters that need to be repainted catches my eye before I can leave the Starbucks parking lot, and I’m drawn toward the squat building below it. I don’t normally go to places like that, but Lou’s Gym seems promising. Surely someone in this sweat-fest can teach me some self-defense moves. I have kickboxing, but I want more. I sit in the parking lot staring at the building, nervous. If anyone in here laughs at me, I’ll just run out crying, but somehow I feel this is the place I need to be.

  I inhale a sip or two of the drink before taking a deep breath. As I step out of the truck, I begin sizing the building up. I squint my eyes trying to see inside, but the windows area too dark. Within five seconds, I muster the courage to walk toward the door. I pull it open and the smell of sweat travels up my nostrils. I crinkle my nose trying to adjust to it. The gym I kick-box in smells heavenly compared to this. You can practically smell the testosterone in the air. A number of men turn and look at me, probably wondering what I’m doing there. Hell, I don’t even know.

  The office sits off to the left and looks as if it can barely hold five people inside. The door is open so I poke my head in to see a man with broad shoulders and crew cut blond hair sitting at a desk talking on the phone. He looks like he’s in his thirties, and could knock anybody on their ass in a hurry.

  It doesn’t seem like he notices me so the thought to turn and leave crosses my mind. I can easily go back home and change into job hunting attire. I turn my head and gaze out the large tinted window in front. I can see outside, but no one can see me. I’m taken away from my thoughts when I hear a voice beside me.

  “Hey, can I help you with something?”

  I turn and find a girl who appears to be about my age but built a little stockier. Her almost jet black hair is pulled back into a sleek ponytail and her forehead has little beads of sweat like she’s been kicking it with the boys over there. She looks familiar; it takes me a moment before I realize I saw her at the fights.

  “I, uh, I was looking to maybe join and get some training under my belt.” Part of me feels stupid for even walking in here, but her warm welcoming smile helps me relax.

  “Awesome, it sucks being the only girl in this place. As soon as Howard gets off the phone he can help get you set up. I’m Whitney by the way.”

  For the briefest of moments, I wonder what I should call myself. James is the only one who ever called me Raegan, but when I call myself that, a sense of empowerment flows through me and it’s as if I can accomplish anything. As Rae, I was a punching bag. I don’t want to be a coward, or a doormat, so I reply in a clipped tone, “I’m Raegan.”

  Whitney’s blue eyes sparkle as she links her arm in mine and pulls me into the office where Howard just hung up the phone. Memories of her in the ring flash back to me and I almost tense at her touch.

  “Hey, babe, this is Raegan and she wants to join. I won’t be the only girl anymore!” She practically squeals with delight, and Howard just rolls his eyes at her.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be spotting Garrett? I can take care of this, go back out there.”

  She doesn’t seem to mind his stern attitude—which would’ve sent me running off to cry—and she turns and leaves, heading back into the gym area.

  “So, Raegan, right? What brings you down here today?” Howard rests his elbows on the ink blotter and glances over the paperwork on his desk, maybe looking for a new membership form or something. He’s built so large, I thought the puny little desk would have cracked from him resting on it, but it doesn’t.

  “I, I want to learn how to defend myself better.” I rub my sweaty palms against my shorts.

  “Sweetie, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think this is where you want to be. Those guys out there, well…and Whitney, they don’t just know how to defend themselves. They’re trained fighters. This isn’t some bullshit self-defense class the cops teach. This is real.”

  “Howard, I need this.” My chin trembles, and I stand. “You don’t understand, I can’t—”

  “Sit back down, Raegan, I’m sorry.” He reaches out and touches my arm, his gaze soft. “I only wanted to make sure you realize what you’re getting into. Lou’s used to be a regular gym but in the last few years it’s become more of a training facility. Not everyone out there fights in matches, but, well…I don’t think it’s what you think it is.”

  I sit in the chair, and draw in a deep breath, my back ramrod straight. “Howard, I’m not a princess. I can handle myself. I take kickboxing classes already. Please just take a chance on me.”

  When he exhales, he gestures toward the wooden door that looks like its hinges have seen better days. “Shut the door, Raegan.” Once it’s shut, I sit back down and meet his gaze. “I know you don’t know me and I don’t know you, but something is clearly going on here. Before I let you join this gym and all those hooligans out there, I’d like you to be honest with me. Girls like you don’t just come into a place like this and want to start training.”

  Girls like me. What does he mean by that? Sitting in that stuffy office, I close my eyes tightly and reopen them. My first reaction is to turn my head and look outside, b
ut I quickly realize there are no windows in here. Howard is waiting for my answer, and much to my surprise, he doesn’t look agitated. If I want to get anywhere and stop this madness then I need to trust someone. Maybe Howard is that someone.

  “I’m tired of being the punching bag at home,” I whisper, staring down at my hands. “It’s started recently, but I need to be able to take care of myself until I can get a job and save to move out. I do take kickboxing classes like I told you a minute ago.”

  “Shit.” He runs his hands over his hair. “She’d kill me if I told you or any of the guys out there before she does, but Whitney is pregnant and she won’t be fighting anytime soon. I’ll sign you up and we’ll see what you’ve got. If you can handle it, you can take her place. Pays pretty damn well if you win. And if you don’t want to fight, then you can train here with no strings attached for as long as you need.”

  My eyes widen as I listen to his offer. The original plan was to learn to defend myself when Dad was in a pissy rage. I never want to feel his boot kicking into my ribs again if I can help it. Suddenly I want to hug this guy, but I figure the shit-eating grin on my face expresses my gratitude.

  “Oh God, thank you so much Howard. I won’t let you down, I swear on my life.”

  “No problem, Raegan, let’s get you out there and get you started.”

  “Wait, Howard. How much a month is this?”

  He doesn’t answer me as he opens the door and leads me out into the sweat infested gym. Not knowing what else to do, I just follow him. Mats line the cement walls and my feet sink into the softness as I stand still. In one corner I spot at least two large punching bags. They almost resemble the bags in my kickboxing gym. In the opposite corner there’s a weight bench and a few other machines. Everyone is goofing off in the middle taking cheap shots at each other and laughing.

  The laughter stops when Howard’s voice booms across the room, gruff and stern. I can’t help but flinch.